God's Way To Find Your Spouse

In His word, God reveals amazing principles about how we are supposed to find our significant other. In the example of Adam and Eve - the very first couple this world has ever seen, God shows us how He intended human beings to find each other in a godly way.

Step 1 - The feeling that someone's missing...

20 So the man gave names to all the livestock, the birds of the air and all the beasts of the field. But for Adam no suitable helper was found. (Genesis 2:20)
  • Adam realized that he was alone. He saw how everything else had a counter-part, but he didn't. Our first step is to realize that we are alone and that someone is missing in our life.
  • It is interesting that Adam had had a purpose and a personal calling before he found Eve. Sometimes we hope to find a purpose and meaning in another human being, but God is the only one who can give this to us. The reason for marriage is not to give your life meaning or a calling, but to join two people with their callings together. I once heard someone put it like this, "Your spouse is not supposed to complete you but to complete your life."
  • Some people will never have the feeling that anybody is missing in their life. They are content with being single. Jesus refers to that in Mt 19:12. If you find delight in this statement, you might be one of them. If you get afraid you might be one of them, don't worry, you are not!

Step 2 - Lean back!

21 So the LORD God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, He took one of the man's ribs and closed up the place with flesh. (Genesis 2:21)
  • The next step for Adam was simply that God put him to sleep. Adam's part starts and ends with the point of noticing that he is not supposed to be alone. There is nothing else he was supposed to do.
  • Our part is to rest. He wants us to lean back and trust Him because He will get into action. He does not want us to start dating or to desperately look for this somebody everywhere we go. He wants us to rest in His promise that He will take care of it.

Step 3 - God will bring you two together.

22 Then the LORD God made a woman from the rib He had taken out of the man, and He brought her to the man. (Genesis 2:22)
  • God takes care of it. And He really puts a lot of effort into it: taking the rib, covering it again, making a woman and bringing her to Adam. I can easily imagine how excited God must have been when He was about to present Eve to Adam, because He really did a great job. God ordained marriage to be a metaphor for our relationship with Him (Eph 5:31-32). You can be sure that He forms great marriages!
  • God will bring you two together at the right time and in the right place. God is so careful and diligent, making sure that everything will work out. Don't be afraid that you might miss each other. He will really bring you together.
27 So God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them. (Genesis 1:27)
  • When God created human beings, He actually did not create them alone, but as man and woman - two! When God created you, He didn't only create you but also your significant other, your other 'half'.
  • God created a specific human being for you. It is not like there are hundreds of possible partners from which you have to choose. God created someone specific for you and since He is the Creator of both of you we do good with fully trusting Him in this area. He who began a good work will be faithful to complete it (Phil 1:6).

Step 4 - Enjoying that you totally fit together.

23 The man said, "This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called 'woman', for she was taken out of man." (Genesis 2:23)
  • Adam says "bone of my bone, flesh of my flesh". He actually says: "Wow, we are such an amazing match! We are absolutely made for each other." Notice Adam's reaction. You can feel his surprise about Eve. The counter-part God created for you will always be somebody who fits the way you are, being very similar in many aspects and differ in a few to create a good measure of diversity which will foster growth.
  • God's choice for us will amaze us and we will be the same amazement for our significant other. It shouldn't be different. God does not join us to somebody who does not fit at all, whose personality is incompatible to ours, whose depth in God differs vastly from ours, someone we cannot stand hanging out with, not even someone we don't perceive as pretty. He does not want to cause a lot of friction just to teach us humility. That's not His way! He is a good Father and "no good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly" (Ps 84:11).

An Encouraging Word to Singles

I know, sometimes this time of 'sleeping', trusting and waiting can feel very long and quite tiresome. It's just too easy to get tired of waiting and force something to happen, but we will only create pain to ourselves by doing this. Have a bit more patience and let God do the work. He knows best and will do the best.

So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised. For in just a very little while, (s)he who is coming will come and will not delay. (Hebrews 10:35-37)

God proves to be good to the man who passionately waits, to the woman who diligently seeks. It's a good thing to quietly hope, quietly hope for the help from God. It's a good thing when you're young to stick it out through the hard times. When life is heavy and hard to take, go off by yourself. Enter the silence. Bow in prayer. Don't ask questions: Wait for hope to appear. (Lamentations 3:25-29 Message)

Update (2014)

Some years have passed since I wrote this little article but it remains one of the most read posts on this blog. So I thought I'd give it a little update.

I'm 26 now, still single, still unkissed, still waiting, still trusting. But I can assure you that I'm even more convinced of the truths that I put down here than when I first wrote them in 2010.

Over the last couple of years the number of my single friends declined rapidly. I'm at that critical age when it seems like everyone around you is getting married but you. Although it's not always easy to watch friends (even some who weren't even born when I started school...) fall in love and get married while I myself remain single, observing those couples has been very rewarding to me.

I've got to watch both types of people, those who waited and trusted the Lord to join them to another human being in due time but also those who went out seeking, dating and choosing their spouse on their own - Christians who while dating might have prayed for God's guidance here and there but never really considered His leadership in a serious way or even waited upon Him.

Several times I became a witness of how God brought together two people, often in the most fascinating and miraculous ways. People who trusted God's plans and timing while pouring their lives into their relationship with Him and then suddenly they found themselves divinely joined to another human being - where the connection wasn't initiated by them but by Him and where God spoke clearly to confirm that this relationship was of His making.

There is something different about these couples. Those for which Jesus wrote the script stand out like no other. And it's been those people who are so fascinated of God's leadership, who keep on telling how much more amazing it is than they ever dared to dream (even though they were quite the dreamers in the first place), those who can't believe it's actually true. It's not only them who are stunned by how much they fit and belong together - it's that even bystanders are impressed at the amazing work God has done here.

Those couples are living illustrations that the truths in this article aren't just naive idealism. Those things are actually happening around me and I get to watch it. God is joining people together, those that are meant to be together and it's the most fascinating, deepest, happiest and brightest relationships and marriages that I've seen. To me those couples are testimonies that it's more than worth the wait, that God doesn't fail to surprise those who wait on Him and that His choice is beyond compare. And although waiting may take longer than expected, why would I ever settle for less? My confidence and trust in Him will be greatly rewarded in due time.

18 comments:

  1. Benny! This put a huge smile on my face!

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  2. That want god! Do just because he love us

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  3. Um....Before Adam and Eve there was no one!
    Second: If one person was made specifically for the other person, how do you explain widows??
    Third: God hates divorce, yes, but don't you think God can do something amazing for someone through the pain of divorce? God never wastes any pain and he is constantly building character.

    God doesn't bring anyone to anyone. That's a very romantic idea but not biblical. Only happen with Adam and Eve and Mary and Joseph. So point is....it is up to us who we choose as mate. There are too many singles out there waiting and waiting and never find the " one whom God made for them", and these people don't have the gift of singleness because they still long for a spouse.
    Now..I do agree that we should work on our selves and strive for purity and allowing God to show us what we can do in our singleness...but again...it's not biblical that God made just one person for each of us and then the others left without a partner will just be single.

    BTW: This isn't not advice I just made up...it is from biblical counselors who deal with these issues all the time.

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    1. 1 cor.7:39 The wife is bound by the law as long as her husband liveth; but if her husband be dead, she is at liberty to be married to whom she will; only in the Lord. To whom she will!!

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    2. Good verse, however I don't believe that it was Paul's intention to encourage decision making independent from the leadership of the Lord. On the contrary, the Bible is clear that we are to seek and pursue His will:

      "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight." (Proverbs 3:5-6)

      "I will instruct you and teach you in the way which you should go; I will counsel you with My eye upon you." (Psalm 32:8)

      "But if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him." (James 1:5)

      Further I want to highlight that our will, wishes and desires of our hearts are shaped by God IF we make Him our highest treasure and IF we fully commit our whole life, our ways and all of our choices completely and unreservedly to Him:

      "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord, trust also in Him and He will do it." (Psalm 37:4-5)

      ONLY in leaning upon the Lord in ALL the decisions of my life will I make the right decision and move His heart. And to me it remains a mystery why in highly important decision like choosing your significant other anyone would refuse the counsel that God offers us so willingly.

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  4. I don't have a paradigm for a God who leaves it "up to us" what is probably one of the most important choices we ever make in our lives. It's just up to us if we are willing to let Him help.

    "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight." (Proverbs 3:5-6)

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  5. Thanks for this.. To the point and exactly the way God brings my woman into my life :) God bless

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  6. I'd be happy if @kentenmd kindly ,quoted Scripture to support his view . Why would God have a plan for everything but, probably one of the most important choice in a person's life? Doesn't make sense. Appreciate the article, thanks.

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  7. I agree with @kentenmd that God does, in fact, allow us to choose our spouses. Yes, it's an important decision, and we should be prayerful and ensure that we make a choice within God's parameters. However, another respondent has already included 1 Corinthians 7:39. I'd just emphasis that a widow's option to marry "who she will' means just that...God provides the parameter, "only in the Lord," meaning that he must be a Christian ("Don't be unequally yoked with unbelievers"). I have looked and looked and I still can't find a passage where God told someone "You must marry this person" or even "Here's 'the One'". Abraham sending his chief servant to find a wife for Isaac is as about as close as I have found. For example, God instructed the Old Testament prophet Hosea to marry a prostitute, "Go, take yourself a wife of whoredom" (Ouch!) (Hosea 1:2). God did not say, "Wait until I bring the prostitute Gomer by and then ask her to marry you." Again, God provided the parameter and Hosea complied by picking a prostitute...of his choosing. Lastly, for those that have been widowed and remarry, technically, those people had TWO people walking on the planet at the same time that would eventually be "the One." It is a romantic notion that there is just one, but I believe God actually allows us to use our God-given will to select our spouse, though "many advisers make victory sure." Finally, to "PMB," God does have a plan and God already knows who you'll eventually end up with should you decide to marry. God will be present at you and your mate's initial meeting, courtship, and wedding. His plan includes the two of you, but that doesn't mean that He's decided to choose your mate for you. However, if you're more comfortable with asking God to choose someone for you, as I did after making poor dating choices, I believe He'll do that for you. I married an extraordinary woman of God that I would have missed had I simply continued to use my own "wisdom," issues, and laundry-list of qualities/characteristics that really wouldn't improve our marriage or ministry together had she met all of them.

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    1. I really want to thank you for taking the time to read and think about my article and also to highlight some issues. I do however want to make a few comments on what you wrote, also to clarify a little more what I believe and why.

      To me personally it's not really significant if there is THE ONE or if there are several possible spouses in the will of God on the planet. I tend to believe that there is only one but I see the problems this understanding produces. For instance, what if your future spouse actually marries someone else, do you have to stay single for the rest of your life? But what I believe is that God has an opinion about whether or not I should marry a specific person I consider.

      Both understandings have the same implications to me: asking God whether she is the right woman for me, and being obedient to His will.

      Of course I also believe that God allows us to choose our spouse ourselves. Free will is part of the human design. But I acknowlege that I make mistakes and also decisions that are good but not the best. But since God Most Wise invites me to seek Him for His wisdom and promises me to give it generously (James 1:5; Prov 3:5-6) that's what I'm gonna do. Just as you said, "if you're more comfortable with asking God to choose someone for you ... I believe He'll do that for you." I believe this to be the chiefest method and the way God actually wants it to happen. (I don't want to say it's the only way to a blessed and happy marriage. God is greater than that.)

      Eventually it all comes down to whether we believe that God's leadership is specific or not.

      We have many instances in the Bible where God gives clear instructions, for example on what to do, who to talk to, where to go, what to say, etc. Even today, I hear many testimonies about how God told someone to apply for a certain job or university and how they got it and it blew their expectations, or people who feel God called them to enter full-time ministry at a specific church, or young couples who heard from God to leave home and become missionaries to a small village in Indonesia. The list could go on and on. It includes both big and small decisions, then why not one so significant as who to marry?

      I know couples that came to be that way. So I know that it's real, God does assign partners. And since I believe God Most Wise to make better decisions than me (Isa 55:8-9), this is what I'll be going for - even if there are other ways that are totally legitimate in God's eyes, I'll choose the one of letting Him decide because I want the best.

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    2. A few more thoughts on the scripture quoted from 1 Cor 7...

      That the Bible isn't full of instances where God told people who to marry is simply due to the fact that most people in the time and culture of the Old and New Testament didn't have to look for a spouse themselves, they were usually arranged by the parents (that's also clearly the cultural context Paul speaks into in 1 Cor 7:36-38). Dating just wasn't so culturally significant as it is today in our culture.

      Having to choose your spouse yourself back then was an exception usually limited to the rich, the influential, or widows. When someone lost their spouse (which they got through an arranged marriage), they didn't get a new person assigned, they were as 1 Cor 7:39 says "free to be married to whom they wish". And that's exactly the group Paul addresses in verse 39. That's why he uses this phrase. But Paul felt the need to immediately qualify this phrase by adding "only in the Lord" - which I understand as "in alignment with His will" rather than a mere "should be a Christian".

      I just don't think that 1 Cor 7:39 is biblical evidence that to God it's ok to marry anyone who is a Christian and fulfills some sort of general parameters, because it addresses widows, not singles/virgins. Furthermore, nowhere in the entire chapter 7 does Paul talk about WHO to marry, only about IF to marry. In my eyes, this phrase is taken too much out of its scriptural and cultural context when we make it to mean that we can marry whoever we want "in the Lord".

      Just a few thoughts. I do appreciate your feedback, your balance, and I am glad that God sent you your spouse. I'll join you to my little personal cloud of witnesses while I wait for my own arranged marriage - arranged not by my earthly father but by my heavenly One.

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  8. Wow, Thank you so much, i really needed to read this right now..I will wait on the Lord and lean on his understandings... God bless you Benjamin.

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  9. This is beautiful...i so wish God would just tell me who my spouse is, coz clearly i have not met him. None of these people fit, it's like there's a missing puzzle and i know very well that i have not found it yet.

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  10. thanks for this post! true, indeed! GOD is in control! :)

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  11. Thank you and Amen! I will come back for future updates.

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