God's Way To Find Your Spouse

In His word, God reveals amazing principles about how we are supposed to find our significant other. In the example of Adam and Eve - the very first couple this world has ever seen, God shows us how He intended human beings to find each other in a godly way.

Step 1 - The feeling that someone's missing...

20 So the man gave names to all the livestock, the birds of the air and all the beasts of the field. But for Adam no suitable helper was found. (Genesis 2:20)
  • Adam realized that he was alone. He saw how everything else had a counter-part, but he didn't. Our first step is to realize that we are alone and that someone is missing in our life.
  • It is interesting that Adam had had a purpose and a personal calling before he found Eve. Sometimes we hope to find a purpose and meaning in another human being, but God is the only one who can give this to us. The reason for marriage is not to give your life meaning or a calling, but to join two people with their callings together. I once heard someone put it like this, "Your spouse is not supposed to complete you but to complete your life."
  • Some people will never have the feeling that anybody is missing in their life. They are content with being single. Jesus refers to that in Mt 19:12. If you find delight in this statement, you might be one of them. If you get afraid you might be one of them, don't worry, you are not!

Step 2 - Lean back!

21 So the LORD God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, He took one of the man's ribs and closed up the place with flesh. (Genesis 2:21)
  • The next step for Adam was simply that God put him to sleep. Adam's part starts and ends with the point of noticing that he is not supposed to be alone. There is nothing else he was supposed to do.
  • Our part is to rest. He wants us to lean back and trust Him because He will get into action. He does not want us to start dating or to desperately look for this somebody everywhere we go. He wants us to rest in His promise that He will take care of it.

Step 3 - God will bring you two together.

22 Then the LORD God made a woman from the rib He had taken out of the man, and He brought her to the man. (Genesis 2:22)
  • God takes care of it. And He really puts a lot of effort into it: taking the rib, covering it again, making a woman and bringing her to Adam. I can easily imagine how excited God must have been when He was about to present Eve to Adam, because He really did a great job. God ordained marriage to be a metaphor for our relationship with Him (Eph 5:31-32). You can be sure that He forms great marriages!
  • God will bring you two together at the right time and in the right place. God is so careful and diligent, making sure that everything will work out. Don't be afraid that you might miss each other. He will really bring you together.
27 So God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them. (Genesis 1:27)
  • When God created human beings, He actually did not create them alone, but as man and woman - two! When God created you, He didn't only create you but also your significant other, your other 'half'.
  • God created a specific human being for you. It is not like there are hundreds of possible partners from which you have to choose. God created someone specific for you and since He is the Creator of both of you we do good with fully trusting Him in this area. He who began a good work will be faithful to complete it (Phil 1:6).

Step 4 - Enjoying that you totally fit together.

23 The man said, "This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called 'woman', for she was taken out of man." (Genesis 2:23)
  • Adam says "bone of my bone, flesh of my flesh". He actually says: "Wow, we are such an amazing match! We are absolutely made for each other." Notice Adam's reaction. You can feel his surprise about Eve. The counter-part God created for you will always be somebody who fits the way you are, being very similar in many aspects and differ in a few to create a good measure of diversity which will foster growth.
  • God's choice for us will amaze us and we will be the same amazement for our significant other. It shouldn't be different. God does not join us to somebody who does not fit at all, whose personality is incompatible to ours, whose depth in God differs vastly from ours, someone we cannot stand hanging out with, not even someone we don't perceive as pretty. He does not want to cause a lot of friction just to teach us humility. That's not His way! He is a good Father and "no good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly" (Ps 84:11).

An Encouraging Word to Singles

I know, sometimes this time of 'sleeping', trusting and waiting can feel very long and quite tiresome. It's just too easy to get tired of waiting and force something to happen, but we will only create pain to ourselves by doing this. Have a bit more patience and let God do the work. He knows best and will do the best.

So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised. For in just a very little while, (s)he who is coming will come and will not delay. (Hebrews 10:35-37)

God proves to be good to the man who passionately waits, to the woman who diligently seeks. It's a good thing to quietly hope, quietly hope for the help from God. It's a good thing when you're young to stick it out through the hard times. When life is heavy and hard to take, go off by yourself. Enter the silence. Bow in prayer. Don't ask questions: Wait for hope to appear. (Lamentations 3:25-29 Message)

Update (2014)

Some years have passed since I wrote this little article but it remains one of the most read posts on this blog. So I thought I'd give it a little update.

I'm 26 now, still single, still unkissed, still waiting, still trusting. But I can assure you that I'm even more convinced of the truths that I put down here than when I first wrote them in 2010.

Over the last couple of years the number of my single friends declined rapidly. I'm at that critical age when it seems like everyone around you is getting married but you. Although it's not always easy to watch friends (even some who weren't even born when I started school...) fall in love and get married while I myself remain single, observing those couples has been very rewarding to me.

I've got to watch both types of people, those who waited and trusted the Lord to join them to another human being in due time but also those who went out seeking, dating and choosing their spouse on their own - Christians who while dating might have prayed for God's guidance here and there but never really considered His leadership in a serious way or even waited upon Him.

Several times I became a witness of how God brought together two people, often in the most fascinating and miraculous ways. People who trusted God's plans and timing while pouring their lives into their relationship with Him and then suddenly they found themselves divinely joined to another human being - where the connection wasn't initiated by them but by Him and where God spoke clearly to confirm that this relationship was of His making.

There is something different about these couples. Those for which Jesus wrote the script stand out like no other. And it's been those people who are so fascinated of God's leadership, who keep on telling how much more amazing it is than they ever dared to dream (even though they were quite the dreamers in the first place), those who can't believe it's actually true. It's not only them who are stunned by how much they fit and belong together - it's that even bystanders are impressed at the amazing work God has done here.

Those couples are living illustrations that the truths in this article aren't just naive idealism. Those things are actually happening around me and I get to watch it. God is joining people together, those that are meant to be together and it's the most fascinating, deepest, happiest and brightest relationships and marriages that I've seen. To me those couples are testimonies that it's more than worth the wait, that God doesn't fail to surprise those who wait on Him and that His choice is beyond compare. And although waiting may take longer than expected, why would I ever settle for less? My confidence and trust in Him will be greatly rewarded in due time.

71 comments:

  1. Benny! This put a huge smile on my face!

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  2. That want god! Do just because he love us

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  3. Um....Before Adam and Eve there was no one!
    Second: If one person was made specifically for the other person, how do you explain widows??
    Third: God hates divorce, yes, but don't you think God can do something amazing for someone through the pain of divorce? God never wastes any pain and he is constantly building character.

    God doesn't bring anyone to anyone. That's a very romantic idea but not biblical. Only happen with Adam and Eve and Mary and Joseph. So point is....it is up to us who we choose as mate. There are too many singles out there waiting and waiting and never find the " one whom God made for them", and these people don't have the gift of singleness because they still long for a spouse.
    Now..I do agree that we should work on our selves and strive for purity and allowing God to show us what we can do in our singleness...but again...it's not biblical that God made just one person for each of us and then the others left without a partner will just be single.

    BTW: This isn't not advice I just made up...it is from biblical counselors who deal with these issues all the time.

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    1. 1 cor.7:39 The wife is bound by the law as long as her husband liveth; but if her husband be dead, she is at liberty to be married to whom she will; only in the Lord. To whom she will!!

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    2. Good verse, however I don't believe that it was Paul's intention to encourage decision making independent from the leadership of the Lord. On the contrary, the Bible is clear that we are to seek and pursue His will:

      "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight." (Proverbs 3:5-6)

      "I will instruct you and teach you in the way which you should go; I will counsel you with My eye upon you." (Psalm 32:8)

      "But if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him." (James 1:5)

      Further I want to highlight that our will, wishes and desires of our hearts are shaped by God IF we make Him our highest treasure and IF we fully commit our whole life, our ways and all of our choices completely and unreservedly to Him:

      "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord, trust also in Him and He will do it." (Psalm 37:4-5)

      ONLY in leaning upon the Lord in ALL the decisions of my life will I make the right decision and move His heart. And to me it remains a mystery why in highly important decision like choosing your significant other anyone would refuse the counsel that God offers us so willingly.

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  4. I don't have a paradigm for a God who leaves it "up to us" what is probably one of the most important choices we ever make in our lives. It's just up to us if we are willing to let Him help.

    "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight." (Proverbs 3:5-6)

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    1. Brother! I 100% agree with your previous comments. One of the key words the Lord pointed out in Prov 3:5-6 is ALL.ALL our heart ALL our ways, it doesn't say in life except relationships...but I am saying Amen! to the previous long comment. :)

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  5. Thanks for this.. To the point and exactly the way God brings my woman into my life :) God bless

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  6. I'd be happy if @kentenmd kindly ,quoted Scripture to support his view . Why would God have a plan for everything but, probably one of the most important choice in a person's life? Doesn't make sense. Appreciate the article, thanks.

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  7. I agree with @kentenmd that God does, in fact, allow us to choose our spouses. Yes, it's an important decision, and we should be prayerful and ensure that we make a choice within God's parameters. However, another respondent has already included 1 Corinthians 7:39. I'd just emphasis that a widow's option to marry "who she will' means just that...God provides the parameter, "only in the Lord," meaning that he must be a Christian ("Don't be unequally yoked with unbelievers"). I have looked and looked and I still can't find a passage where God told someone "You must marry this person" or even "Here's 'the One'". Abraham sending his chief servant to find a wife for Isaac is as about as close as I have found. For example, God instructed the Old Testament prophet Hosea to marry a prostitute, "Go, take yourself a wife of whoredom" (Ouch!) (Hosea 1:2). God did not say, "Wait until I bring the prostitute Gomer by and then ask her to marry you." Again, God provided the parameter and Hosea complied by picking a prostitute...of his choosing. Lastly, for those that have been widowed and remarry, technically, those people had TWO people walking on the planet at the same time that would eventually be "the One." It is a romantic notion that there is just one, but I believe God actually allows us to use our God-given will to select our spouse, though "many advisers make victory sure." Finally, to "PMB," God does have a plan and God already knows who you'll eventually end up with should you decide to marry. God will be present at you and your mate's initial meeting, courtship, and wedding. His plan includes the two of you, but that doesn't mean that He's decided to choose your mate for you. However, if you're more comfortable with asking God to choose someone for you, as I did after making poor dating choices, I believe He'll do that for you. I married an extraordinary woman of God that I would have missed had I simply continued to use my own "wisdom," issues, and laundry-list of qualities/characteristics that really wouldn't improve our marriage or ministry together had she met all of them.

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    1. I really want to thank you for taking the time to read and think about my article and also to highlight some issues. I do however want to make a few comments on what you wrote, also to clarify a little more what I believe and why.

      To me personally it's not really significant if there is THE ONE or if there are several possible spouses in the will of God on the planet. I tend to believe that there is only one but I see the problems this understanding produces. For instance, what if your future spouse actually marries someone else, do you have to stay single for the rest of your life? But what I believe is that God has an opinion about whether or not I should marry a specific person I consider.

      Both understandings have the same implications to me: asking God whether she is the right woman for me, and being obedient to His will.

      Of course I also believe that God allows us to choose our spouse ourselves. Free will is part of the human design. But I acknowlege that I make mistakes and also decisions that are good but not the best. But since God Most Wise invites me to seek Him for His wisdom and promises me to give it generously (James 1:5; Prov 3:5-6) that's what I'm gonna do. Just as you said, "if you're more comfortable with asking God to choose someone for you ... I believe He'll do that for you." I believe this to be the chiefest method and the way God actually wants it to happen. (I don't want to say it's the only way to a blessed and happy marriage. God is greater than that.)

      Eventually it all comes down to whether we believe that God's leadership is specific or not.

      We have many instances in the Bible where God gives clear instructions, for example on what to do, who to talk to, where to go, what to say, etc. Even today, I hear many testimonies about how God told someone to apply for a certain job or university and how they got it and it blew their expectations, or people who feel God called them to enter full-time ministry at a specific church, or young couples who heard from God to leave home and become missionaries to a small village in Indonesia. The list could go on and on. It includes both big and small decisions, then why not one so significant as who to marry?

      I know couples that came to be that way. So I know that it's real, God does assign partners. And since I believe God Most Wise to make better decisions than me (Isa 55:8-9), this is what I'll be going for - even if there are other ways that are totally legitimate in God's eyes, I'll choose the one of letting Him decide because I want the best.

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    2. A few more thoughts on the scripture quoted from 1 Cor 7...

      That the Bible isn't full of instances where God told people who to marry is simply due to the fact that most people in the time and culture of the Old and New Testament didn't have to look for a spouse themselves, they were usually arranged by the parents (that's also clearly the cultural context Paul speaks into in 1 Cor 7:36-38). Dating just wasn't so culturally significant as it is today in our culture.

      Having to choose your spouse yourself back then was an exception usually limited to the rich, the influential, or widows. When someone lost their spouse (which they got through an arranged marriage), they didn't get a new person assigned, they were as 1 Cor 7:39 says "free to be married to whom they wish". And that's exactly the group Paul addresses in verse 39. That's why he uses this phrase. But Paul felt the need to immediately qualify this phrase by adding "only in the Lord" - which I understand as "in alignment with His will" rather than a mere "should be a Christian".

      I just don't think that 1 Cor 7:39 is biblical evidence that to God it's ok to marry anyone who is a Christian and fulfills some sort of general parameters, because it addresses widows, not singles/virgins. Furthermore, nowhere in the entire chapter 7 does Paul talk about WHO to marry, only about IF to marry. In my eyes, this phrase is taken too much out of its scriptural and cultural context when we make it to mean that we can marry whoever we want "in the Lord".

      Just a few thoughts. I do appreciate your feedback, your balance, and I am glad that God sent you your spouse. I'll join you to my little personal cloud of witnesses while I wait for my own arranged marriage - arranged not by my earthly father but by my heavenly One.

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  8. Wow, Thank you so much, i really needed to read this right now..I will wait on the Lord and lean on his understandings... God bless you Benjamin.

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  9. This is beautiful...i so wish God would just tell me who my spouse is, coz clearly i have not met him. None of these people fit, it's like there's a missing puzzle and i know very well that i have not found it yet.

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  10. thanks for this post! true, indeed! GOD is in control! :)

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  11. Thank you and Amen! I will come back for future updates.

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  12. I can see why you're still single. *face palm

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    1. He is faithful and I'll prove it. Just you watch me.

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    2. I can see why you are attacking someone *throws cat at face.

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  13. Wow you know at times one might think you are crazy. I thank God for using you to bring hope and letting those who believe that they are not crazy, we should wait upon the Lord for he knows what we need.

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    1. At times it does seem crazy. :D But so did many other things that those in the cloud of witnesses did. :)

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  14. I am a 37 year-old male, I have never been married. Unfortunately, I have had about 10 sexual-partner over the years, some women I dated for a year or so, a few one-night-stands. I was saved when I was a child, walked away from my faith when I went to college. Spent all of my 20's and early 30's in worldly relationships with women. Now, at the age of 37, I am seeking God's Will for my life, praying that HE will bring me a spouse, a Christian Woman, "The One". - - My question is, do you think that God may have given up on me. Do you think that he is punishing me for my past? I am very tired of being sling, being alone. Over the last 7 years, I have had only one "serious" relationship with a woman, she was a Christian, but again we were engaged in a worldly relationship. What should I do? The only thing I can figure, is I must pray daily, asking for forgiveness, and praying for God's Will for my life, ask HIM to bring me a Christian Woman, a Wife. Do you think she exists? Or, have I screwed up my life for good, and missed my chance?

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    1. Since I don't really know your situation and all its details well, it's hard to give a specific answer to your questions. But I can assure you that if you have repented and are fully committed to living a pure and holy life by the help of His Spirit particularly in this area, that the plans He has for you are "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" (Jer 29:11). And although He doesn't always remove all the consequences of our mistakes, He really loves giving beauty for ashes, oil of joy instead of mourning and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair (Isa 61:3). Seek, ask, knock and don't give up when it takes longer. That's what I would do (and what I am actually doing).

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  15. Schäfer, God will continue to guide you and use you. I can only describe you with this Luke 10:2.

    Knowing the will of God is a serious issue in Christian marriage. Many Christians marry without knowing what the will of God is for their marriage. I have heard people say that as long as you do not marry an unbeliever you have fulfilled the will of God for your marriage. No wonder Christian divorce rate is soaring like those of the people of the world.

    One of the plans of God for us is that we should not be lonely (Genesis 2:18). In Christianity marriage is a kind of covenant that can only be broken by death without committing adultery (Romans 7:3-4). The perfect will of God is that you marry a particular person that God chooses for you to marry. The Bible says “House and riches are the inheritance of fathers: and a prudent wife is from the LORD.” (Proverbs 19:14). This scripture is very clear: It says, “a good wife is from the Lord”. It is God that can give you that perfect wife / husband that you need.

    First, before thinking of searching, develop relationship with the Holy Spirit through praise, worship, prayer and bible study. Then God will begin to show you many unbelievable revelations (Psalm 25:14).

    Second, ask God to give you a wife/husband that will help you fulfil his plan for your life. If you chose a wrong wife/husband you may not reach the height where God has destined for you.

    Third, watch out for peace of mind in any relationship. If your heart is full of fear, run away from that relationship because fear is of the devil (1John 4:18).

    Fourth, beware of cunning men. If you are in any relationship where the brother or the sister is only interested in knowing everything about you but hardly shares his own life with you, please beware. Or perhaps if you have discovered that he or she lies, also beware; for the devil is a liar and the father of it (John 8:44).

    Finally, hold on to God. You might have been searching fruitlessly for that perfect partner (husband or wife) for so long, just like me still believing God, but I want you to know that you still need to hold on to God. Let Him have his way. The scripture says, “Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning” (James 1:17)

    A good wife (husband) is a gift from the Lord. So have faith and hold on to God in prayer because God himself is the source of his perfect will for each one in marriage. You can’t do it yourself because you don’t know the heart of men. The bible says “The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it? (Jeremiah 17:9).

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    1. Wow, Matthias, thank you so much for taking the time to share your insights with us! Your practical advice is very helpful and will certainly bless many! Blessings back to you!

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  16. Some people will never have the feeling that anybody is missing in their life. They are content with being single. Jesus refers to that in Mt 19:12. If you find delight in this statement, you might be one of them. If you get afraid you might be one of them, don't worry, you are not!

    This statement really brought me some comfort. I am still waiting for my future spouse. However, is this statement really true? I guess there is just something in me that makes me worry if God wants me to stay single. But I really have a desire to get married and start a family.

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    1. Perhaps He just wants you to wait a little longer. Usually when there is a feeling that being single is the right thing, but underneath there is also a strong desire for a relationship, it's an indicator that right now it's better to remain single but that eventually a family is part of God's plan for you.

      I'd probably check for the desire that's closer to the core of your heart. The deeper desire usually points towards your life calling. A person with the gift of celibacy (or whatever you want to call it) may have a desire for a spouse at certain points in time, but there is a much deeper desire to remain free from personal obligations and fully devoted to the Lord alone which moves them much more than any thought of family ever could.

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  17. Amen brother. Love your article :)

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  18. I have a question, I was attracted to a guy in my church for a long while now but thought he was out of my league. Sometime in the beginning of this year the very guy that I was attracted to I began to see at my gym. I would see him in passing but never initiated a conversation. Then in late April, this guys approached me and began helping me out with one of the machines I was using. We conversed for a little while and ended with him extending his help anytime I needed. That day I spoke to my sister and informed her I found my husband. I felt like God was showing me this guy for a reason. We began to workout at the gym together and less then a month later this guy had my number.

    We began talking on the phone for hours. We were getting to know each other. We talk about christ, our spiritual life, and anything topic. We hungout for the first-time going hiking after the gym then later on going to get milkshakes. I would sometimes doubt this man was attracted to me even though my friends and family thought he was. We hung out on occasions at my place with no sexual activities occuring just friend's sharing experiences with each other and spending time. In august, I informed thia guy that I liked him and I received the response that "I could not like him because we are friends" it hurt my feelings. He looks at me as a good friend. This guy have since been still calling me and wanting to hanging out. I found out that he has this girl that he is off and on with, and this female is back in his life. I started to distance myself from him but he continues to call and tries to develop our friendship.
    I'm so confused I felt like this guy and I have a connection. I thought that God had place him in my life, now the vary guy that I like looks at me as just a good friend. I have been placed in friend zone. I really want to move on but there is a part of me that still hopes/ thinks things will work out for my favor. However I don't want to stick around and end up getting hurt. I have been praying for God's will to be done in this situation. I just don't know what to do. Do I walk away or do continue to allow our friendahip to grow. My feeling are there and I claimed this man the day I meet him . I just want affirmation and confirmation that God's will is for this man to be in my life but it's not the timing cause he is still working on both of us or affirmation and confirmation that this is not the person that's meant to be in your life so accept it. I'm just a girl that's looking for help in either moving on or sticking it out. I know i don't have to chase what God has for me, so I just want to know if this guy is truly for me or not. I know God's timing is perfect and I need to be patient and wait but I don't want to continue in this friendship while I have feelings for this guy and end up hurt. Any input, suggestions, or comments would be helpful. I miss him when I don't talk to him for days because I try to avoid his calls to help me move on but then I don't want to stick around and get hurt

    Confused girl!

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    1. Sorry to hear your story and how a potential relationship turned out like this. I can imagine how hard it is for you to make a decision, no matter if for or against him.

      Since I don't really know both of you and only got a brief introduction to your situation, it's really difficult to give helpful advice. But I'll share some of the things that came to my mind while reading your comment:

      1) Sometimes in cross-gender communication signals are misinterpreted. Nice guys sometimes come across as showing interest in someone even though they are just generally nice, kind and helpful.

      2) If a guy tells you that he doesn't want a relationship, you should believe him. He is being serious.

      3) If a guy has another girlfriend, it's probably not wise and not morally correct to attempt to win his heart.

      4) If a guy has shown a lack of commitment in a previous relationship, you should ask yourself if you really want to commit to someone who might do the same to you.

      5) When you feel like you have found the one and you have the sense that God gives you a "yes", then simply go for it (that's what you already did). If it doesn't work out at all, then you probably misheard His voice.

      6) Talk about it. If you're unsure where you are in his life, and whether he could ever imagine a relationship with you at all, simply ask him. Asking the questions that haunt you is the best way to get rid of them.

      I hope for you that you'll find wisdom to make the right decision, and that God would heal any wounds and emotional pain.

      Many blessings!

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  19. Hello Benjamin. Thanks for this great post aabout Biblical partnership. I pray that I will be as patient in following these advices. Mabuhay from the Philippines.

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  20. Thank you for this article. This article has enrich my knowledge and also faith. In my opinion though, God gives us freedom whether we want to pursue our future spouse ourselves or wait for it (that was the freedom of will He gave from the start of humanity). For me, the most important part is our state of heart whether we choose to stay and wait or actively pursue others.
    "The most important one," answered Jesus, "is this: 'Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. The second is this: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no commandment greater than these." Mark 12:29-31

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  21. It is very hard today for many of us Good men looking for a Good woman since so many women today are very high maintenance, very independent, very selfish, very spoiled, very greedy, very money hungry, and very picky. That really speaks for itself why many of us good men are still single today, and many of us are Not to blame at all.

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    1. Sadly, many women in the Church feel the same way about Christian men. :) From my observation, there are many more godly women out there than there are godly men (already because the average attendance rate in Christian congregations is in favor of the female gender). But in the end, all of this doesn't really matter if you believe that God actually cares about your marriage and has a plan for it. Going back to Genesis, there was no Eve for Adam, so He created one. He is faithful and He is capable. :)

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    2. It's true what Benjamin said. In our church there are so many good single sisters but there are hardly any single brothers here. So 80% are still single (aged 26 years above)

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  22. I just wanted to say that I'm glad that someone else has the same convictions and feelings that I do. I'm a 36 year old guy and I'm still waiting for that answer. God showed my future wife to me when I was still in the (girls have cooties) stage of boyhood. I was at a theme park with my school class and locked eyes with this girl. Everything blurred all but her eyes and I remember being told that I would marry her one day. I forgot that at times through the years but God Fathered me and led me away from potentially bad situations through the years and has led me to a place of the knowledge that He's kept me specifically for her. I'm not ashamed to claim my virginity or that I've never kissed anyone and never had a true girlfriend. God has guided my life in such a way that those things weren't even much of my choosing. God reminded me that He burned her eyes onto my heart as a reminder of that promise. It's not easy and I'm painfully aware of that "rib shaped hole" in my heart.
    I am standing on His promises to me because they are too real to deny. I have two other times in my life that God has promised me things. One of them has partially been fulfilled and I'm still waiting on it's total fulfillment as well.

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    1. I love your testimony and your eloquence. Thank you so much for sharing! Praying that hope doesn't disappoint (Rom 5:5) and that you will see the reward of the waiting.

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  23. I am a solo mum became to know Christ after divorce. I thank God very much for His salvation even after me making such a big sin in marriage. I consider myself reborn in Christ and pray for a godly husband and marriage in which we can seek His kingdom together. But there are some ladies at the church have left me an impression that I shouldn't be praying for a husband since I have a child. Every time I ask them to pray for my husband to be they say my main duty is to raise my child not re marry. But I know I so desire a Christian husband. Then they ask me r u sure this is Gods desire for you not ur own selfish desire? I am very defeated. May our God bless you all.

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    1. Keep on praying. God is good and He really cares about your situation and the desires of your heart. Not everything you truly long for on this earth is a bad/selfish desire. God bless! :)

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  24. Thank you Ben. Very encouraging. I will just ask God boldly. Like Joyce Meyer says in her book get your hopes up. Jesus asked the blind what he can do for him. He said Lord I want to see. He could have asked for sth else small like a meal or money. But his faith found favor in Jesus.

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  25. not to rain on God's parade here, but (yes, you've detected bitterness here), I'm still waiting for God's pairing me with His chosen partner for me at the age of 50, after many a prayer. Be honest, how would you feel if this were you?

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    1. I'm sorry for what you are going through. I personally know and understand the pain in the waiting and the probability and dangers of bitterness in delayed answers, especially after so long. I recently wrote an article called "Being Single and the Fellowship of His Sufferings" which I would recommend to you. Because there is also a beauty and a unique invitation in the waiting for a spouse.

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  26. Hey Child of God, relax, God would shock you, for the time you feel is already wasted, he wld shock you with mind blowing testimony of your match, dnt be discouraged, am forty One and it can be very painful n difficult but relax, he would restore all the years the canker, palmer, creeping, crawling worms have stolen. God would shock you. Your spouse would be worth the wait. Sometimes God has used this so called "delay" to rescue us from, death, divorce, physical n emotional damage, the least is endless . Do not despire, God would still showcase u and display you as his Trophy. Remember no good thing would he withhold from those who trust him . Just imagine how, Sarah, Abraham, Hannah, Elizabeth, Zachariah, the Shunamite woman, Rebekah must have felt. If God remembered these ones, then he would also remember u, dnt compare or be bitter. Our paths aint the same. Relax

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    1. Exactly, He is faithful and we can trust Him. Sometimes there is a delay so that we would learn to trust Him, and so that He can reward and suprise us even beyond what we ever dreamed of.

      "No good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly." (Ps 84:11)

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  27. Thanks for your blog, and I really hope you can give me some advice, as this last week has been one of the hardest in my life. It's also hard to talk to someone close to me about this as it seems such a long time ago.

    In 2005, I had one of only a few profound dreams that I believe was from God. It was a book opening with the name of a girl I would meet some years later (the name was not common and this girl was the second I'd met with that name).

    We first met by smiling at each other on a tram in a foreign city where I was studying. I just knew I had to talk to her and plucked up the courage to do so (completely unlike me to do that). Anyway we spent some months together and it was like no other relationship before or since. So many similarities, coincidences (including both spending our gap years in a remote African city) and that feeling that it was just meant to be. It was wonderful. We were both young Christians but I wasn't leading with my faith at the time, nor was I a strong Christian at that point. I was, however, never more comfortable with a person as with her 7 years ago, nor attracted to anyone as much.

    To cut a long story short, I ruined whatever we had, through immaturity and naivety and unkindness towards her on two occasions. I thought because it was meant to be I didn't have to work as hard for this relationship as I should have, and therefore pushed her away. I was 23 and have regretted my actions ever since. And I've been lonely ever since.

    She got married last week. And I've barely slept. I have this incredibly strong sense that she was the girl I was meant to marry but I ruined it. I've not met anyone that's impacted me like her, even though for long periods of time I've not thought of her, and I've gotten on with my own life.

    My question is this. Is it possible she was the one? Because of my sin and mistakes could God have taken her away from me and provided someone better for her, to then leave me alone never to meet another girl that could mean what she meant to me?

    I know it sounds pathetic but that's just my reality right now. I'm heartbroken and feel completely dead because of this.

    Thanks in advance for any advice you could give, it's appreciated!

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    1. Sorry to hear what you went through. I hope you are feeling better! What you described is exactly one of the main reasons why I tend to not believe in "the one" as in there is only one person on the planet that God has for you. Because if it is like that, you run in the same problems that you ran it: "If you miss her or mess up, will you have to be single for the rest of your life?" My stand on this issue is saying that God has an opinion about a potential spouse and that we should be obedient to what He says. I strongly believe that the Lord has good plans for you (Jer 29:11) and that He loves to restore everything. Psalm 37:4 - that He will give you the desires of your heart if you delight in Him and His leadership - is still true and still a promise that He is speaking over your life. Ask Him, speak with Him about all of it and He will give you fresh hope and tell you of His plans. He loves to give beauty for ashes and to make the wrong things right. He is not an angry God, He loves you and wants the best for you (Rom 8:28).

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  28. Your article truly blessed me. I totally agree and am in preparation myself as a women. The Lord shared with me who my spouse was about 6 years ago. Even though i met him it wasn't time yet. The Lord still wanted to prepare and mature us both till the appointed time for a friendship/relationship. Another thing I believe God loves friendships,too many people jump in relationships but never have a foundation of friendship. So until the Lord gives the green light I pray for him,diligently in the spirit not what my flesh desires,but what the Spirit of God desires me to pray into him. I believe at times people need to be prayed through or into where and Who God wants them to be before He releases them into ministry/marriage. Bottom line, in singleness, waiting is a time of preparation and prayer for the spouse coming and future marriage/ministry together. Make sure the Foundation is solid in prayer before the marriage and there won't be a divorce.

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    1. That's so true! The Lord DOES love friendships a lot! Relationships that develop out of a close friendship are very special and often built on a very solid foundation.

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  29. This article is likely more true than the human intellect can digest or comprehend. Benjamin, if you're reading this, try to understand that the insight The Creator has blessed you with is not for everyone. In other words... You may have been given a secret. The heavenly Father makes some for an honorable use and some for a dishonorable use. He The Potter chooses. Romans ch 9. I've seen a few of the comments, and honestly, few of them grasp the depth of the truth that has been revealed to you. Marriage is sacred, holy, eternal, spirit and it is not conceivable to the current world view of mankind. Which is obvious based on divorce statistics and the Many horrors in relationships today. Yes. You are correct, not only is God a match maker, He is THE matchmaker... God ofcourse is neither male or female but God is Spirit, love. In The Creator union is real and true marriage is created in The Father eternal... In other words, yes predestined. Unfortunately many would be life long mates find out at the very end of their earthly lives just how serious their union with another really is and was... It usually happens after divorce and or on the death bed. The eyes are opened that they were truly one with that person who loved them and loves them beyond the limits of human imperfections. God basically opens the mind and heart to see the deeper reality. The goal should be to awaken before death or divorce and EVEN before meeting that soul you are already destined to! Again... I can't over emphasize it... The truth is not for everyone, remember... God MADE The Pharaoh's HEART obstinate. That is awesome and frightening that our Creator chooses who will love Him and who will obey and live! Free will is very very relative. No different than the limit of free will you give to a child in your home, they have SERIOUS limits. Be blessed brother. If you haven't met her yet by the time you read this... I'm sure she is on her way. I was supposed to tell you this! If you're with her... Love her deeply with God's spirit even through her darkest hours. She IS You!!!
    C.R. Jones
    Reflections of Light
    Poetry on Amazon

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    1. Well said Frederick!!! I couldn't agree more.

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  30. Sometimes God does say here is your job but sometimes He asks us to apply first and then tells us. If you think you are called to marriage I don't think the answer is to never date.

    Dating can be a good thing. It is more honest then just friendship and it teaches us how to relate to the opposite sex. It can be done in a pure fashion. I have learned things about myself that will make me a better marriage partner.

    I know a case where a girl meet a guy. Because she had dated his best friend for a couple of months The best friend basically said you are two religious for me (won't sleep with me). I think you should date my friend. And the way he described friend earlier she thought so too. She met him later. Another case of a guy went up to a girl to ask her to dinner after Church. She said I have a boyfriend but I have a friend....He met said friend and was told by God that is her after the first date.

    In both cases the people were following Christ. But they were open to others.

    I don't think the answer is never dating and it is possible God is waiting for you to actively start getting to know the Godly women He placed in your path.

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    1. My personal stance is not against getting to know Godly women around me. It's against pursuing more than a friendship without the initiation and confirmation of the Lord.

      Also I'm not saying that successful marriages only come about in this fashion. I just think that waiting for the Lord is the wisest thing we can do. And waiting to me doesn't mean doing nothing - it has a practical, active and intentional element to it - it means not to proceed unless God tells you to.

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  31. The girl met the best friend because her ex set them up on a blind date

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    1. Benjamin, what I am kind of trying to say is who says that dating/courtship means one is not waiting? Dating and courtship is suppose to be a discernment process. I have been in two serious relationships and in both cases, I knew the guys in questions really well before I dated them. And I really thought it was it and it must be God. But then I realized it wasn't after I spent time dating them. I learned though many life lessons and in the last relationship I learned that a dating relationship could pure...

      It is hard to wait and I do know many people who rush into marriage without waiting on the Lord. In one of the cases, I mentioned, the guy who asked a woman out at church and then was introduced to this girl's friend.

      I know for a fact that this guy very much was waiting on the Lord. He was over forty and frankly a prime catch trust me many women would have married him. But he waited till he met my friend. And the woman he married. She is frankly one of the best person I have ever met. She is someone who spend several years not dating at all because she felt that maybe God was calling her to the celibate lifestyle. Sold out one of the most beautiful souls I have ever had the privilege to met. Both as you see were people who sought the Lord first and waited on Him.

      She at first went out a few times and was I don't know. Great guy but I don't know. But gave him a few times to get to know him and then realized oh wow this is the guy for me.

      And the thing is when I have prayed for a spouse God has brought up this guy to me. As an example of see He waited on me and I provided him with this person.

      But the point I am making is that while this guy was waiting on God and He did not just marry anyone. He still also took an initiave asked women on dates, and made himself available.

      I am not saying one shouldn't wait on God. But I just think it is mistake to say dating is all bad, or if one is dating that one is not waiting on God.

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    2. Thank you for the example, Beka. It's great to hear that it worked out like that and I'm not saying that it's not been the Lord or anything like that. I do believe that God is very creative in bringing two people together and I have no problem whatsoever if a couple's story deviates from what I outlined here.

      Our disagreement might come down to how we define dating. I'm not meaning to condemn getting to know people of the other sex (even with the hope of one of them being a potential mate). But what I advice against is taking a relationship to a deeper, more emotionally involved level, unless you have confirmation from the Lord. So, not I but He initiates the progression of the relationship (e.g. waiting on the Lord = waiting on His confirmation).

      This does not mean that there aren't godly, blessed and God-willed relationships that came to happen differently. There are, I know many myself. My point is that from a single person's perspective, not getting emotionally involved UNTIL you have confirmation from the Lord (whatever this means and however that might look in your case) is your safest bet to fulfill Prov 4:23 (to guard your heart) and Prov 3:5-6 (seek the Lord in all of our ways).

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  32. I'm 28 yrs old and a no boyfriend since birth. I know i could have had a bf if I wanted to, but I felt like something has been hindering me to have one, something has been keeping me from those who take interest in me. Of course, my spirit would totally bother me whenever i would fall for an unbeliever, and i would certainly pray to God to correct my heart and keep from men who had no pure intentions and Gid would. I've always believed that God has prepared someone just for me. But the pressure of remaining single until now is killing me. Sometimes I would ask myself if I have been doing to wrong or have I been waiting in vain. I ask God if I was destined to be alone, but I feel bitterness inside me just by having the thought of it. I know I don't have the gift of singleness. So how should we wait in faith? I know waiting in faith is not waiting while doing nothing.

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    1. Hey Rahnee, I'd like to recommend you read my other article "Being Single and the Fellowship of His Sufferings". This might clear things up a little. Find it here:
      http://yearningheartsjourney.blogspot.com/2015/11/pain-of-being-single-and-fellowship-of-his-sufferings-jesus.html

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  33. So I was dating this guy and he had been cheating on me for a while and i never thought anything of it because i was so wrapped up in the words "I love you" i thought he would never do that to me. my intuition told me time and time again there was something going on but im an anxiety ridden girl anyways and i try to look past my anxiety, because sometimes it gets the best of me. So one day i felt that God was really trying to tell me to let go of him so i spoke with him about it and he acted as if he didnt care so i finally broke up with him after i found out he was with his ex all weekend and lied over and over again.. I am young and I know God has much more ahead of me but im so scared that ill never let anybody else in now that i was in love with somebody that did me this way. Im afraid that ill push everybody away and i pray time and time again and i know God hears me but sometimes i lose faith because i get so down on myself. I guess i just have horrible judgement.

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  34. Well, it's 2016 and I find this article so refreshing! Thank you for taking the time years ago to encourage many. May God Bless you.

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    1. Thank you! I'm still re-reading it myself every now and then.

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  35. I have to say thank you for bringing up this topic, just by reading felt better. Trusting Him is the key.

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  36. Such a good write up on marriage and waiting on God. In this fast phased world trusting and waiting on God for is not on most peoples list.I believe what you say here is true. Hope you find your God given other half very soon. kudoos,God bless you.

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  37. It has been 3 years since I began praying to God to bring a Christian man into my life after
    A long marriage that ended in adultery and porn addiction, then divorce. There has been any good result. Being forced into singlehood, I want the same things Christian wives have and want when they were singles themselves. I have the same desires as they do. I do not understand God nor scriptures quoted on marriage. I have not seen them proved true unfortunately. Of course I am lonely and depressed. Being sexually pure without an end in sight is not an encouragement either. Men seldom remain sexually pure or are into porn. God putting desires in women unable to be fullfilled makes no sense. Christian men seldom attend church and will not pursue Christian as they do not find them desirable. Without God's intervention, we are truly on our own. Women are told not to pursue men either. Why won't God act? No wonder women begin making effort and accept the advances of non believing men. No one wants to remain unchosen. I am not seeing a God helping women accomplish what he called good in Genesis. A loving God would use his unlimited power to rectify this if he really is unchanged or remove desires that will not be fulfilled. I am not seeing the power of prayer at all, but a disinterested God. This is very important to women, if he withholds help, they will give up and drift away. Just a matter of time.

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    1. Helen we have similar backstorys, I have four children, their dad left and filed for divorce. God is a jealous God. Meaning I hear your heart's cry for intimacy and love. You're passion for it even. I've been there and still am but in my singledom, I've finally found peace with understanding God is my Father and "husband". I realized before I idolized my spouse, meaning I didn't go to God for much of anything. He was an after thought or I didn't press into Him because I had a complete family, on the surface.
      It's hard and I'm still waiting. I've dated before, taking control of my fate, and found myself not only awakened by non-believing men who do not honor God or get my love for him but always wanting me to compromise God's ways. I felt even more alone. I don't want anyone to come in between my faith with God, my life is always in His hands, not a man's.

      Be patient my dear, one day we will celebrate over this victory and I pray for your peace and comfort in waiting.

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    2. Helen, I'm so sorry to hear your story. I haven't replied yet because I simply felt like I have nothing to say, no answers at all. I can, however, assure you that I know your thoughts and your feelings very well myself. I have found myself at the same place, in the same misery, with the same hopelessness and frustration. It might not be any consolation to you, but know that there are also Christian men that feel like you feel. I have no answers to why God lets certain things happen in my life or the lives of other devout people. Often I don't understand His leadership at all, and if I was in charge, I would definitely do things differently (but most certainly not better than Him). But what I cling to in those moments is Jesus' words to John the Baptist close to his imminent death: "Blessed is who is not offended at Me." Bigger than not having my prayers answered is the fear of having a heart that is offended at the One who made me and died for me. I don't understand many things that He lets happen, and the pain sits very deep at times, but I don't want to despise Him or His leadership. Let's cling to Him when there's no other hope.

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  38. Nice 1. There are no two women in life ideal for a man to have as a wife. A man is designed to recognize the true woman for him to have as a wife. And before such a man will come to that life transforming decision, he must first understand who he truly is, his personality, believes, values and purpose in life and most especially what it is he truly desires in a wife. Thorough knowledge of these will help him recognize his ideal woman when he sees her. Adam knew himself and was able to identify Eve as a like being. Truly you are not alone in this world, you had a partner, the ability to see and recognize the true one is through the help of the spirit of God. Don't try to be led by your canal eyes and mind, you may end up marrying someone who will frustrate the hell out of your life or someone you will make life a living hell for. Know yourself then you will know the right woman for you.

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  39. 11 years of waiting...God is amazing. When you least expect it,you will come in the presence of what you asked for. God says ask, and you will receive if you believe. If might not look like what you had in mind. Might not be the age or color or the body build you were expecting but when God shows up,he shows off. Now trust me when I say,I heard all the wrong and right voices tell me God doesn't send your spouse to you,you have to get up and make an effort.I wasn't looking when I came across my answer.It was me and God together facing this world.I was focused on getting myself in shape and then all of a sudden I was face to face with a love I could never describe because God never said this was the one. Somehow I knew he was because of what The Lord implanted in me. I had a couple experiences in my past thinking this or that one was the one. The devil is a liar.Just know,The God we serve is a supernatural God. Take the limits off of him. Now don't be assuming God will send him to your front door if you don't ever get up to answer it. Work on yourself first.Dont let marriage be your idol. Let God be your number one in your life. He will give you the desires of your heart. It might not be on your timetable or what you created how it will happen in your mind. Just know if God can do it for me when I can be a Peter one day and a Thomas the other,he can do it for you.Trust God and know the longer you focus on what you don't have and not on what you do...it might take a little longer. Let God work on you and your other... I can promise you, he's a good father. We know not what we pray for so just be sure you are 100% positive this is what you are wanting because if you ask you will receive,only with belief.

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  40. Hello Benjamin! I just came across your blogs and I want to say you are very wise. God has blessed you with wisdome. As I'm reading through some of the comments my response to some of the questions would probably tore someone apart; however, when I read your replies, I say to myself this kid is so wise cause your response are totally unexpected from how I would approach a comment.

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