Being Single and the Fellowship of His Sufferings
The Prize And The Price Of Being Single
In my early 20's I chose to give some of my best years to Jesus. It was one of the best and wisest choices of my life. When many of my friends and fellow students fell in love and married (which is great if it's God's will for your life!), I took all the time, money and strength at my disposal to press into God, fall in love with this Man from Nazareth and pour everything I had into my relationship with Him, deepening and strengthening it so that it would become a well of encounters that I could draw from for the rest of my life. I didn't do it on my own initiative though, it was something He asked of me (and I would have been a fool to make such a decision without His specific leadership, thereby possibly forfeiting other, higher blessings He meant to give me within the beautiful, romantic union with one of His treasured daughters), and I willingly and gladly accepted.
Yet during those years I found that besides cherishing some of the positive sides of singleness along with the unsearchable pleasures of intimacy with Him as my heavenly Companion, I can't escape a deep ache within my soul for an earthly companion - the bride He had promised and spoken to me so much about over the years.
As I responded to His sweet call to cast down the crown of some of my best years at His feet singing, "Worthy, worthy, worthy are You, Son of David", I can testify that He is faithful to provide sufficient grace to walk in heartfelt devotion before Him (I'd call it the temporary gift of celibacy), but at the same time I can also testify that there is an ache and a longing that I could never really get rid of. For, after all, He fashioned us to be in relationship with God and with human beings (Mt 22:37.39). And so our heart is not at rest until it's extravagant in the Second Great Commandment along with the First.
The Lie Of Yearning-Free Singleness
I have read many Christian books, articles and blog-posts on being single and dating. What I have come across a lot - especially in articles written by singles - is emotional and defensive statements that they have no desire anymore to find their spouse, that they don't care anymore - some even state that they are not even waiting/expecting it anymore -, that they are completely satisfied because "God fulfills their every need", as if they had finally managed to overcome this (wrongly-assumed) "fleshly" desire for another human being. And more often than not this attitude of stoic aloofness earns the applause of the readers and is praised as spiritual maturity.
I assume the best of intentions from the writers. I honor and sympathize with the struggle and pain many of them have experienced. I know the temptation of yielding to such thoughts, and I see that there IS truth to what they say. Yet at the same time, this thinking leads to a disconnect from God's purposes for your life, and whenever I found myself agreeing with it, it wasn't inspired by trust in God or revelation from His Word, but chosen simply because intentional waiting just felt too painful to bear any longer. But by leaving the narrow road for the broad and easy one, we often lose sight of the greater picture, neglect our partnership in bringing about God's purposes, and often end up inspiring others to do the same.
I don't just say that as a critic, but as one who once belonged to this very camp. I advocated this seemingly pain-free singleness where it just doesn't matter anymore whether you stay single for the rest of your life or not. Where your life can be just as fulfilling alone (or even more so) than with a companion by your side. Where you proclaim that you have completely rid yourself of the desire to bind yourself to another human being, and that there's no pain of this need being unmet left in me anymore because "Jesus is my all".
And yet time and time again I would catch my mind picturing my significant other by my side, in moments when there's just an empty seat beside me, or while walking through the woods alone, when I sat on an airplane starting another season of my life by moving to a different country, or when going to the movies with friends. I can't deny that no matter how much I tried to get rid of those thoughts in order to "live undistracted", they would reside. Time and time again I would find myself asking God in prayer: "Lord, how long?"
Just to clarify: I'm not saying that I walk around tortured by an unceasing agony and haunted by unfulfilled, romantic daydreams. Nor am I saying that I haven't experienced seasons of extended grace and contentedness on the "single" road. What I mean to say is that this yearning for someone special to share the rest of my life with has always remained present somewhere in the back of my mind and heart, even if just as a faint whisper at times. I fear that - unless you have the spiritual gift of celibacy - this often promoted state of yearning-free singleness simply does not exist.
I tried to find it, yet I never did. I thought and sometimes said I had it, yet it's never actually been true. I can try to deny it - and so I did - but I can't escape it. A numb heart was the closest I could get. Numbness through resignation or distraction - by giving up expecting that He is actually faithful to what He promised, or by trying to silent the deep longing in my heart altogether. Both, however, lead to a disconnect of my heart from His purposes for my life and ultimately cause me to neglect to partner with Him in bringing them about through persistent, believing prayer (Luke 18:1-9).
I can fool myself with telling myself I don't mind and it doesn't matter. I can refuse to think about the promises He has given me. I can betray my own heart and lie to myself and others by saying I don't feel the things I feel. But with indifference and denial I choose to harden my heart towards Him and His plans for me, and in secret I'm really just cultivating unconfessed disappointment and offense towards God's leadership (and delay implied).
Is it wrong and immature to long for a significant other that you can share your life with? It seems more unhealthy and dishonest to try to suppress these emotions and to run away from them.
The Ache Of Adam
Many people tell you that you are not ready for a relationship unless you have learned to be a happy single. Others say that a spouse will never make you complete, that only God can do that, and that if you are looking for a spouse that makes you complete, you are not ready either. God is the only One you should go to to have your needs met, they say.
I do get the point they are making, and I do see the wisdom within their words. You want to be mature in your relationship, you want to be able to give more than you receive. A clingy, needy, self-centered attitude won't produce a healthy, lasting relationship. So you actually want God to work on your heart and make you as mature and whole as possible because you want to be the best version of yourself when you enter into a relationship.
Yet at the same time these words can be misleading as they cause us to have unrealistic expectations in our relationship with God. I believe that God is so great that He is the highest delight of the human soul, that His love is better than the wine of this world including married love (Song 1:2), even better than all the blessings of life combined (Ps 63:3), and that He is the highest satisfaction to the human heart. He can satisfy and meet every need.
Yet the truth of the matter is that sometimes He decides not to.
Adam walked in perfect fellowship with God. More than any other person on earth he experienced that in His presence there is fullness of joy and that in His right hand there are pleasures forever. Arguably, His undefiled heart in an undefiled world had a greater capacity to enjoy his God than anyone else on earth (Jesus probably being the only exception).
Yet within this state of perfect satisfaction, there remained the ache that while every animal had their mate, "there was no one found for Adam." Although we know that God can fulfill this desire just like any other, He chose not to. Instead, the same voice that caused the universe to be, said, "it is not good for man to be alone." So just as this voice spoke forth light in the darkness, it commanded a desire for a human companion to dwell in the human soul. This desire is God-given, decreed by the Creator, and it's good. Nowhere in the Bible can we see the pure and honest desire for a spouse being criticized by God.
God created humans as man and woman - a union of two parts that belong together (Gen 1:27). That's how He designed it. That's how He wanted it. That's what He in His unsearchable wisdom called "good". Is it wrong and immature, then, to have a longing that basically agrees with His design? This God-given desire for a spouse, that He called good - should we call it immature, false, or even evil?
The Yearning Of The Heavenly Bridegroom
Married love was never just supposed to be a means of "multiplying and filling the earth." Oftentimes in our Christian society a wedding is seen as just another rite of passage in the life of a human. Yet, God's purpose for marriage is so much deeper than it merely being another aspect of human life.
In Ephesians 5, Paul quotes a part of the creation story when he writes, "For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and shall be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh." He then goes on to say that God's original intent for this reality was not merely to describe married love between a husband and a wife, but that these dynamics of a newly-wed couple are but a shadow of the relationship between Jesus and those who belong to Him.
Multiple times throughout the Scriptures, Jesus reveals Himself as our Bridegroom. On the Cross, He didn't just die for hopeless sinners contributing to their salvation and eternal life, He paid the price to obtain for Himself a pure, spotless and lovesick Bride that He could cherish for all eternity.
We miss the entire point, the weight and the beauty of it all if we don't see the big picture. Namely, that marriage exists solely because God wanted to give us a glimpse into the unfathomable intensity of His endless, affectionate love for us, and reveal to us in a special way who we truly are and how He sees us. Marriage has always been intended to be a doorway into His heart and a picture of the wedding to come (Rev 19:7).
The story of Adam and Eve isn't just another biblical account of how God sends you your Boaz. It's God's handwriting in creation that gives us a glimpse into the fellowship of the Trinity. It's an image of Father-God's desire to present to His Son a worthy Bride that loves His Son with perfect, undivided and voluntary love. This sums up the entire reason and purpose of all of Creation. That's what marriage, what life, what we, are about. We will be the eternal companion of the Carpenter of Nazareth, married to the Lamb forever.
The desire that we find within ourselves - the ache for a partner - isn't just the ache of Adam. It points to the ache of THE Adam, our great, heavenly Bridegroom Jesus.
Jesus Knows What It Feels Like To Wait
Shortly before His death on the cross, His cry cut through the darkness of the night. With passionate longing He cried to the Father: "Father, I desire that they, whom You have given Me, be with Me where I am." What consumed Him in the night before the crucifixion was His desire for the nearness of His Bride. Painfully aware of the price He would have to pay for her, and of the following time of separation until His final return in the Second Coming, the dream of being with us for all eternity gripped His heart still more. And with ardent determination He went forth from that place, willing to pay the price and give it all for the ones that He would make His Bride.
2000 years have passed since that day, and He still hasn't returned yet. It's easy to assume that as Jesus entered the abundant joys of heaven, He is now subject to a stoic indifference towards us. We might even think - and probably often do - that we long for His return - the day when we will be reunited to Him forever - more than He, that we care about being with Him more than He does. We cultivated the view of a distant, aloof God that completely misses the Biblical revelation of His heart and emotions.
We mimic what we behold and consequently view indifference and aloofness as the expected, holiest and most mature response to His promises - including the one for a spouse. We pray, "Lord, Your will be done!", which has become an empty phrase meaning, "I just don't have the strength to bother anymore", rather than "God, I really care about Your ways, and will agree with them with obedience and persistent prayer till they come to pass." We take the very words of Jesus, that caused Him to give His life, to excuse our indifference towards His plans for us.
He gave all He had, endured mocking, excruciating pain, torture, poured out His life unto death - for His future spouse. The image of a stoic, distant, aloof God couldn't be further from the truth. It completely ignores that His heart is moved by the very thought of "the day of the gladness of His heart", and that the entire redemptive story and all of creation find their culmination in the Wedding of the Lamb.
Just as Adam's ache remained in the perfect satisfaction of paradise, so Jesus' yearning for His Bride hasn't diminished a single bit in intensity. The One who is the same yesterday, today and forever, the heavenly Bridegroom who is love Himself (1 John 4:16), He is still consumed with this one desire: The nearness of the ones He loves. Surely, He who "always lives to make intercession for us" (Hebr 7:25) is still letting His voice be heard before the Father: "Father, I desire to be with them!" We are continually on His mind and in His mouth as He doesn't cease day or night to remind the Father of His promise to give Him a Bride. It's the ache of the Son of God who - not knowing the day or hour of His return to His Bride - is continually asking "Father, how long? Father, can I go?"
He has been waiting 2000 years, greatly anticipating "the day of the gladness of His heart" (Song 3:11), yearning for the nearness of His Bride with the all-consuming longing of His unquenchable love. Who loves with His passion and ardency? Who has greater love than He? He is the One who loves with all of His heart, all of His soul, all of His mind and all of His strength - who didn't withhold even Himself. His heart burns, His heart years.
And, with all this passionate longing within Him, He knows what it means to wait for a spouse. The emotions we have, the ache of longing, the pain of delay, are not movements that are foreign to Him. He can sympathize with us more than any other. He knows the pain of waiting. He knows what it means and what it feels like to wait for your greatly anticipated companion.
But will you wait like He waits? Will you yearn like He yearns?
The Two-Fold Invitation
Within all of this, there is a greater purpose, and it's a two-fold invitation that is extended to everyone who wants it.
First, the longing for a spouse is a unique gateway into His heart and emotions. In the yearning for an earthly companion I can find the motions of the heart of the yearning, heavenly Bridegroom, who so desired to obtain for Himself an eternal companion.
It's feeling for another human being what He is feeling for us (Eph 5:25). The desire you have to finally be united with the woman/man God promised you is an invitation to feel Jesus' "that they would be with Me where I am" (John 17:24). We underestimate so often the power and intensity of His affection. Yet the places where we are confronted with the strength of our own yearnings, we get a glimpse into the torrent of love and passion that dwells within the heart of the waiting Bridegroom. This is an aspect of His heart that we can only share in under the present circumstances - while being single, while waiting for our promised significant other. Don't miss that unique chance!
Second, it's an invitation into partnership with Him - to pray for our future spouse just as He - the heavenly Intercessor - is interceding for His Bride day and night, never losing heart, not growing weary in the waiting, never yielding to hopelessness, trusting that the Father's ways and timing are flawless. Don't lose heart, don't give up when it takes longer - He doesn't. It's an invitation to be conformed into the image of the role model Bridegroom. Don't passively waste away the time of waiting, actively wait and partner with Him through prayer. You can invest now in a relationship that is yet to come to pass. He never ceases to pray for His future Wife.
Fellowshipping In His Sufferings
This is not a cry of desperation from someone who can't bear the pain of being single anymore. This is a resolve to embrace the ache.
Because this ache is a unique gateway into His heart. It's an invitation to share into the movements of His heart, His ache, the pain of His waiting. It's an invitation into the fellowship of His sufferings, into unity with what and how He feels, a place of encounter with the God-head - a doorway into the experience of a specific aspect of His heart that you can only go through while you're single.
I'm a fervent advocate of staying single for the right reasons. But I can't and I won't deny that there's a price and pain involved in it. Yet this ache is not like a yoke we want to fight or cast off. It's not bad at all, nor unbearable. It's a beautiful, unique invitation to know the heart and affections of our God. Being single is more than a time of waiting for promises yet to be fulfilled. It can become an adventure more valuable, unique and amazing than you've ever dreamed.
So I will embrace the ache. I will embrace the waiting. I will embrace the fellowship of His sufferings.
Like Jesus, I will yearn for my future spouse.
Like Jesus, I will not lose heart in the waiting.
Like Jesus, I won't stop praying and interceding for the one He promised to me.
Like Jesus, I will wait for my Father's flawless timing and trust in His perfect ways.
Like Jesus, I will raise my voice before the Throne of the Father, crying "Father, how long?"
Like Jesus, I greatly anticipate the day when she will be with me where I am.
I love this... I love all your writing. It's in my marriage that I see most clearly the love of God for me. I always say that I get a glimpse of God's love for me through my husband. I also see how I represent my husband. I am my husband's bride and my husband ( as well as myself) is the bride of Christ
ReplyDeleteThat's awesome, and that's how it's supposed to be. Often in all our emphasis on the fact that God created marriage as a context to make us more holy (as we learn to love), we often forget that God's primary purpose is to give us a place where we could encounter the intensity and passion of His love and affection toward us.
DeleteThank you Benjamin for sharing this. I have been really blessed by it.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your obedience to our Beloved King, Benjamin. May you continue to seek first The Kingdom of God and His righteousness. Take heart, brother; Papa God is immensely proud of you and Loves you oh-so-fervently and unconditionally!!! Love is patient.
ReplyDelete"And delight thyself in The Lord, and He shall give thee thine heart’s desire." ~ Psalm 37:4
May The Good Lord bless you and your precious family exceedingly abundantly. You're in my prayers. Keep fighting the good fight of faith! Life begins at the end of your comfort zone. The best is yet to come. :)
Love your sister in Christ,
Ardence Dumitru
Thank you very much. Psalm 37:4 has been on my heart for months already and for me it's deeply connected to the topic of this article. Thank you for sharing and for praying. I really appreciate it!
DeleteGreetings Benjamin, I would like to chat through maybe email or Skype. Would you be up for that?
ReplyDeleteIt seems that you really are trying to learn and embrace the sufferings of the cross, and am interested in discussing this topic with you even more.
Hope your day is blessed!
WOW! The Holy Spirit led me to read this and I truly believe this is confirmation for the things I feel when I see these different single blogs that I have read..wanted to agree on yet, somethings just would'nt stick. I've been yearning and seeking the Lord like crazy...also getting invited by him to go DEEPER. My emotions are currently very inexplainable,lol because I can relate to all that was said on this blog (I am even anxiously perspiring typing this! because its just agreed with what I feel with the Lord about singleness)!!!! This also brought clarity that I am where God wants me; wanting nothing but him. And, lately I have been stopping at nothing for to know him more. I am amazed at what a connection I have discovered through your 2 blogs I have read. Its like me and Jesus conversating about my feelings and questions, when presented human ideas that don't line up with what he has been teaching me(whenever I want to agree with somethings that are not completely for me to believe..if that makes sense..!) I will be praying that you continue to share your heart conditions and revelation. As it brought clarity to me and will bring clarity to those who are also recklessly abandoned for Jesus and fulfill the purposes we were created to fulfill!
ReplyDelete-Dom
So glad to have come across this post. I've wrestled hard with this issue, noticing the allure of "giving up" in order to avoid the deep ache or feeling guilty that I ache at all. Thank you for sharing this and for the reminder that there are men chasing after God with great intensity.
ReplyDeleteThank you for encouraging us singles. May the Lord honor you for your faithfulness. I watched courageous the movie and that main character said to his daughter that he wanted a her furture husband to love the Lord more than her, because if he can do that only then can he truly love her. It really convicted me. As you are loving the Lord with all your heart, soul and mind, and delighting in him, he is doing something great in your life. Now I don't know what the future holds, but there is a promise that he will give you the desires of your heart. I pray that he gives you that wife that you desires.
ReplyDeleteso. so. good. very well put. love this especially "But with indifference and denial I choose to harden my heart towards Him and His plans for me, and in secret I'm really just cultivating unconfessed disappointment and offense towards God's leadership (and delay implied)." if He can't have all of us, even the part that longs for something different/more/greater whether it is in singleness or a job or in family, etc, what are we doing?
ReplyDeleteSo are you still waiting?
ReplyDeleteYes! :)
DeleteLuke 18:1
Oh Jesus, higher are Your ways than mine!! I can only say that He is the One Who led me to this page. I have been struggling to understand the yearnings of my heart-both for a deeper connection to Him and for the man whom He is preparing me to meet one day. Over the last week or so, I have finally come to understand that this yearning is not only godly, but a blessing. I never understood the love of God with my heart. Sure, I have book learning and could converse with any pastor, priest, or evangelist with ease, but in my soul I cried out for an understanding of LOVE. Sir, your words have an anointing on them, your hands are blessed with communication! While I read this article, I was overwhelmed with the presence of the Most High in my heart. The scales of pain and loneliness fell from my eyes and I was washed with an incredible moment. I was standing next to Jesus, hearing His cry for His bride, feeling the power of His longing for me. I shall never forget that incredible moment, and I cannot help but worship a God that is not only powerful but LOVING on a deep and personal level. HE LOVES ME, and my body cannot contain what I am feeling. It leaks from my eyes as tears and makes me shake with its strength. If only I can stand before Him now, I feel as though I could explode! Thank you for following His calling on your life and providing the medium through which I could experience this! God Bless, and keep on fighting the good fight.
ReplyDeleteWow, that's a wonderful testimony! Thank you so much for sharing it! And I'm very happy to hear that this article has blessed you!
DeleteI'm so glad that I found your blog.i had so many questions in my mind and now I had my answers.im also still waiting for my god fearing husband and trust God with everything in my mind body and soul.thank you for your inspiring article. I loved it!.God bless.
ReplyDeleteI stumbled upon this after having a conversation with a friend. I was saying that I used to be perfectly fine being single and everything you described. As I've hit 30 it's gotten harder. And then I feel guilty for not being ok with being single. I've had prophetic words now and things that make me believe I will get married someday, but after so many years of waiting it's getting harder and harder to just surrender and be patient. Anyhow, I feel as if I could have written this.
ReplyDeleteCan I add to the other half of what you wrote about Adam and say that Eve was told after the fall that her desire would be for her husband. Which I find interesting and I think is the reason so many women come across as so desperate. I hadn't thought about Adam though, so thanks for pointing that out.
Thanks for sharing.
While reading this, I can't help but smile. There were times I already accepted the fact that I maybe single for the rest of my life. But deep inside, I am yearning for the man that God created just for me. It is only by God's grace that I am still waiting patiently and joyfully. Oh..and continually praying for my future spouse. It's comforting to be reading this from a man's perspective. God bless you. 😊
ReplyDeleteAwesome message...you have excellent prose and spiritual insight!
ReplyDeleteThank you for an inspiring message. It help me alot to see what God has prepared for me. Im also waiting for His promise that one day soon He will give me my heart's desire. God bless.
ReplyDeleteThank you for paralleling the ache of singleness to the heartache of Jesus in His deep, unfathomable longing for us. Indeed, every season of life is a means to be sanctified,if we allow Him. I thank God for this season of singleness where I may have fellowship with His sufferings.
ReplyDeleteAll i can say is such an article that really help me to look differently about the singlehood. Being single at the age 34 and still waiting is never easy as how ourself or even society start treat us. Sometime how i wish people do really think before passing some remarks such as below
ReplyDelete"Many people tell you that you are not ready for a relationship unless you have learned to be a happy single. Others say that a spouse will never make you complete, that only God can do that, and that if you are looking for a spouse that makes you complete, you are not ready either"
As much as its true its just so painful to hear this and rip you apart. I just want those who reading this just remember singleness doesn't happen to us once in life. It can happen even in later stage of life.
Stop being judgmental and passing cutting remarks... A million thanks for this article.
Thank you! This is a timely word I needed to encourage me. Blessings!
ReplyDeleteThank you for this, again - completely relate to every point. For some years I felt like okay I won't even think about it and continue to just serve God and be content and He will do what He promised ...but ah it is not easy either way as you're so right, you become sort of dead inside. God is faithful, now I'm in my 30s...and still waiting patiently. It is comforting to know God has some other kids also waiting and honoring Him :)
ReplyDeleteDon't worry, waiting on God is the only right way to enter a relationship. And not many people are willing to do this.
DeleteThere's not wrong with feeling dead inside in terms of singleness. We are supposed to be dead to ourselves and alive in Christ.
Maybe it means you are doing something right. But I understand that doing what is right does not always feel good.
Yes, there are those of us out there who have chosen to wait on God. I'm also in my 30's and still waiting.
I applaud your willingness to wait. It is a blessing and a good thing. Hang in there. You're in good company.
Wow, I am so blessed and encouraged by this post on so many levels. I am 28 and have been praying for years that God would unite me with a man who loves the Lord unreservedly and whose life is set on His kingdom. As the years have gone by and (seemingly) nothing has happened, I have become tempted toward cynicism and trying to numb the ache for a spouse. I could comment on so many things about this post, but what especially encouraged me was the intentionality and hope with which you expressed you pray for your future wife (and maybe God has already brought you together :-) I see this post was written awhile back). I often pray for my future husband, but it almost seemed too good to be true that perhaps my husband was out there somewhere praying for me. I realized that in my cynicism, I had lowered my expectations that there were actually godly, intentional men who did pray for the woman who God intended for them. So reading this gave me reason to hope and continue to trust that the Lord's plans for me are far better than my plans for myself. When I stumbled across your blog yesterday, I was struck by how your posts so closely mirrored what God has been revealing to and refining in me. It's encouraging to see that someone is (or was) at a similar place in their journey with Christ. Many blessings!
ReplyDelete-Hope
hopeunyielding.com
I certainly blame God for creating so many very stuck up evil rotten no good entitled narcissists women why so many of us guys are being very extremely punished with singleness when we really shouldn't be at all, and we really have no reason at all to blame ourselves either since women today have really changed for the very worst of all compared to the old days when they really were the very complete opposite of today. The great majority of women back in the past were certainly real ladies and very old fashioned which is why love really did come so much easier back then with no problem at all. Today most women are just so very high maintenance, independent, and really don't want us single guys anymore, very greedy, selfish, spoiled, picky, gold diggers, and those are the women that just love sleeping around with much older men that have their very high bank accounts, and the women that are real cheaters just can't stay with only one guy at all since they just love sleeping around all the time. These are very excellent reasons why so many of us guys are still single today, and not at all by choice either since these women are really to blame for this very big mess today unfortunately.
ReplyDeleteAnd there will be times for absolutely no reason at all when women will curse us out by just saying good morning or hello to them since i know other single friends that had the very same thing happened to them as well. What in the world is that all about anyway when there are many of us good single guys very seriously looking for love today?
ReplyDelete